


The Burden of Silence

by CynicalMistrust



Category: Given (Manga)
Genre: Angst, Bittersweet, Character Study, Communication, Fluff, Honesty, M/M, Tears, manga spoilers?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-03
Updated: 2019-10-03
Packaged: 2020-11-23 02:56:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,077
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20884982
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CynicalMistrust/pseuds/CynicalMistrust
Summary: Ritsuka watched Mafuyu from the corner of his eye as they walked. Mafuyu was staring into space again, and Ritsuka couldn't help but wonder where he went at times like this. A small part of him knew, suspected rather, that it wasn't so muchwhereas it waswhen.The jealousy that surged through him left a bad taste in his mouth. He knew it wasn't fair, expecting Mafuyu to move forward easily now that they were together.Prequel toLiving Memories





	The Burden of Silence

Ritsuka watched Mafuyu from the corner of his eye as they walked. Mafuyu was staring into space again, and Ritsuka couldn't help but wonder where he went at times like this. A small part of him knew, suspected rather, that it wasn't so much_ where _ as it was _ when. _

The jealousy that surged through him left a bad taste in his mouth. He knew it wasn't fair, expecting Mafuyu to move forward easily now that they were together. He couldn't imagine what it was like, losing a lover. He and Mafuyu might be together, but he suspected that their relationship was nowhere near what Mafuyu had had with Yuuki. Maybe it could be, someday, but… he wasn't sure he wanted that. 

He wasn't Yuuki. And from what little he'd heard about the guy, there was no way he could hope to replace what he'd been to Mafuyu. 

He let the silence settle between them as he lead the way to his home, even though keeping silent formed a knot of anxiety in the pit of his stomach. He never knew what to say even when Mafuyu_ wasn't _ being distant. He was terrified of saying the wrong thing. Of hurting Mafuyu because he couldn't get his own shit together. 

That first almost-fight between them had scared him shitless. The look of panic and anguish and terror in Mafuyu's eyes was something he wouldn't be forgetting for a long time to come. 

He unlocked the door, closing it behind them and slipping his shoes off. "Want a drink or anything?" 

"Tea?" 

Ritsuka glanced at Mafuyu with a faint smile, relieved to hear an answer. 

He made the tea and found some snacks, taking them to the bedroom where Mafuyu had settled on the floor. 

Mafuyu had a text book out, but he looked distant again. 

Ritsuka stifled a sigh, setting the tea and snacks in easy reach, and settled in to do his own homework. 

The silence was deep enough he could hear the ticking of his clock, and when he risked a glance at Mafuyu, he wasn't surprised to see him staring at it. 

_ Your clock… is the same one as Yuuki's. _

Jealousy reared its ugly head again, but he shoved it down until it was an uncomfortable sensation in his chest. "Hey," he said, not quite meaning to speak. He still wasn't even sure what he wanted to say, but the way Mafuyu's eyes immediately focused on him meant he couldn't exactly stop. 

He shifted on the floor, setting his notebooks aside and scooting closer. "If…" He trailed off, frowning at his hand as he sorted his thoughts. "If you want to talk about him… I'll listen." 

Mafuyu's eyes were wide when Ritsuka looked up. He didn't respond immediately, his gaze moving back to the clock for several long seconds. "You won't be jealous?" he asked, looking at Ritsuka again. 

His first instinct was to deny it. What point was there in being jealous over someone who wasn't around anymore? But Haruki was right. If they didn't communicate, things were doomed to fail before they even went anywhere. If they weren't honest, things would only get worse. 

"I'm already jealous," he said quietly, letting out a shuddering breath as the strange pressure in his chest popped like a balloon under pressure. "And I'm…" He frowned again, curling his hand into a fist against the floor as he tried to get the feelings into words. "I'm scared that I'll fuck this up."

His knuckles turned white and he took a deep breath. The words were easier to find this time. "I'm scared that I won't be what you need. That I'll never be able to understand you. That I'll ask for too much or push too hard. That I'll -" 

Mafuyu interrupted by moving closer, straddling Ritsuka's leg and slumping into his chest. 

Ritsuka froze, staring over Mafuyu's shoulder as he struggled to breathe. He kept his hands where they were, part of his brain screaming _ SEX! _in giant, flashing, rainbow letters, and the other part refusing to lose its grip on reality. 

"I'm scared, too," Mafuyu murmured, his voice muffled against Ritsuka's shoulder. 

That was enough to get all of Ritsuka's attention focused solely on the conversation. 

"I still can't express myself well," Mafuyu said, his words slow like he was still choosing them. "And I get lost in my thoughts." 

When Mafuyu didn't say anything else for a long minute, Ritsuka tilted his head with a soft sigh. "Like now?" he teased gently. He smiled when Mafuyu nodded. "It's okay…" He was getting used to the silences enough they wouldn't bother him so much soon.

Mafuyu sat back, hands clasped on top of Ritsuka's thigh. He rubbed his thumb over his hand, and Ritsuka recognized the look of him trying to find what he wanted to say. "I'd… I've never… spoken about him," he finally whispered. 

Ritsuka swallowed, bracing himself for the jealousy, but it was a pale comparison to what it had been earlier. Apparently naming it for what it was and admitting to it weakened some of its power. 

Mafuyu looked pained, and if he couldn't imagine what losing a lover was like, he certainly couldn't imagine what it would be like never being able to speak about it. "Do you want to?" he asked, just as softly. 

Mafuyu went still, to the point Ritsuka was sure he'd stopped breathing. When he moved, it was only for his eyes to meet Ritsuka's before giving a small nod. 

"Okay. I'll listen." He could at least do that much. 

Mafuyu squirmed and slumped into Ritsuka's chest again. "I don't know what to say." 

Ritsuka finally moved his hands, settling them around Mafuyu's back. He lightly dragged his fingertips up and down in what he hoped was a soothing manner. "What was he like?" 

"Cruel," Mafuyu replied, a shudder running through his entire body. 

Ritsuka frowned, trying to make sense of that and wondering if he should probe for an explanation, but Mafuyu was already speaking again. 

"He_ left _ me," Mafuyu choked out. His hands clutched at the back of Ritsuka's shirt like a lifeline. "It wasn't an accident. He _ chose _ to leave me." 

Ritsuka swallowed and found it hard to breathe again, Mafuyu's anguish seeping into the room like a heavy blanket. He tightened his arms around Mafuyu, biting back the urge to say it hadn't been his fault. He suspected Mafuyu blamed himself, and maybe in a way he'd been the catalyst for what happened, but he hadn't been the one buy the alcohol. He hadn't been the one to end it. 

But the words felt like stones on the back of his tongue. Heavy and useless. 

He closed his eyes, tilting his head to press his face into Mafuyu's hair. The sound of muffled sobbing wrenched through his chest and seemed to echo off the walls. 

Had Mafuyu ever actually cried over everything that happened? Had he been holding this inside him all this time? 

What was he supposed to say? Every response he came up with sounded shallow or cheap or like a platitude. He wouldn't say he wouldn't leave Mafuyu like that, even if it were true. He wasn't the type to entertain those kinds of thoughts, much less act on them. 

But this wasn't the time to try to reassure Mafuyu about their relationship. 

So he kept silent instead, rubbing Mafuyu's back as he slowly quieted down. He slid a hand up and ran his fingers through Mafuyu's hair, brushing it back from his temple before pressing a light kiss there. 

Mafuyu shuddered and lifted his head. His eyes were red and puffy and his nose was running. 

"So sexy," Ritsuka said, and he meant it. Mafuyu was gorgeous even like this. Especially like this. Full of emotion and expressing it rather than keeping it bottled up inside. He gently wiped his sleeve over Mafuyu's cheeks. "Better?" 

Mafuyu nodded, glancing around the room and sliding off Ritsuka's lap to get to the tissues. He blew his nose and scrubbed his eyes, pausing with his head hidden between his arms for several long moments. 

Ritsuka took the chance to compose himself, running a hand through his hair and taking a few steadying breaths. He almost expected the jealousy to return, and while it was still there, now it was joined by a quiet anger. He couldn't understand how anyone could do that, especially not when they had someone like Mafuyu. 

He leaned back, resting his weight on his hands. "If he were still here, you'd still be with him, wouldn't you," he said, not really making it a question. The way Mafuyu's head snapped up only made him more certain of it. 

Mafuyu glanced at the clock. "Probably." 

He smiled faintly, not minding the strange flare of ache in his chest at the confirmation. "You were happy with him?" 

"Yeah…" 

"...Are you happy with me?" 

Mafuyu tore his eyes away from the clock and looked at Ritsuka, his eyes clear and focused. "Yes." 

Ritsuka nodded, the ache and simmering jealousy fading beneath his relief. "Me too." 

"Good." Mafuyu smiled, rubbing his arm over his eyes again before tossing the tissue in the trash. 

Ritsuka eyed his books before deciding he was done studying for the night. "I'm beat. You want the shower first?" When Mafuyu shook his head, he stood and headed for the bathroom. 

He showered quickly and dressed, then waited for Mafuyu as he did the same. He should have been getting the futon out, but… He knew it was moving too fast, but he really wanted to share the bed. 

He sat on the edge of it, tapping his heel against the floor as he waited for Mafuyu to return. He glanced up when the bedroom door opened, swallowing a groan at the sight of Mafuyu in one of his shirts. It was too big and slipped down one shoulder, giving a nice view of his neck and a peek of his collarbone. 

He was sure he heard an explosion somewhere that mirrored the sudden bursting sensation in his chest. "Do you - I mean, if you want, we could… share the bed?" 

Mafuyu paused and looked at the bed. Then at Ritsuka. Then the bed. "We're not having sex." 

Ritsuka couldn't help his startled laugh even as part of him cringed, though whether it was from embarrassment or disappointment he wasn't quite sure. "I think it's still a bit early for that," he replied truthfully. No matter how badly he wanted to lose his V card, he wouldn't lose it at the expense of Mafuyu's trust. "I just… want to hold you?" 

Mafuyu nodded, a hint of a smile playing on his lips, but it might have just been Ritsuka's imagination. He turned off the lights and crawled into the bed, taking the spot near the wall. 

Ritsuka let him get settled, ignoring the sudden pounding of his heart. They weren't going to have sex. They probably wouldn't even make out. 

This was fine. He could do this. He took a breath and climbed in next to Mafuyu, rolling to his side to face him. "You okay?" he asked softly, resting his hand between them.

"Yeah." Mafuyu slid his own hand up, hooking their pinkies together. "...Thanks. For listening." 

Ritsuka smiled and curled his pinky to hold Mafuyu's tight. "Anytime." 

Mafuyu nodded and slid his hand free before pressing closer, his arm settling around Ritsuka's waist. 

Ritsuka bit back a groan as Mafuyu's warmth spread through him. When Mafuyu nuzzled into his neck, his entire body seized up and another explosion rocked him to his core. Gods, if just_ this _ felt good, he couldn't even imagine what sex would be like. 

He tangled his fingers in Mafuyu's hair, stroking along his scalp. He shivered when Mafuyu relaxed into him with a sigh, warm breath gusting over his throat. 

It wasn't long before Mafuyu was asleep, his steady breathing filling the silence. 

Ritsuka continued stroking his hair, his own eyes drifting shut. 

Beneath the sound of their breathing came the steady tick-tick-tick of the clock. 

Somehow, he knew Yuuki would always be with them. Would always be a silent presence hovering around Mafuyu. Would always be a memory Ritsuka struggled to soften the pain of. 

But that was fine. He could learn to accept that. 

And someday, maybe Mafuyu would be able to look at his clock without fighting back tears. 

**Author's Note:**

> I'm taking given prompts on my blog - leojichuchumetti on Tumblr


End file.
